Hillbilly Weasleys
by xXxFluffy-Pink-Socks
Summary: A series of oneshots on what it would be like if the Weasleys were hillbillies. Implied HPGW and RWHG. Very funny.


Percy's Job Interview

**  
A/N:** Co-written by **–Ivy-parker- **and **Pen-to-paper scribble**. We think it's best if you read out the speech by the Weasleys (except Percy), Harry and Hermione in hillbilly accents. We think it makes the story funnier. XD Read Percy out in a posh, snooty, preferably English accent. Read the job interviewers out however you want. **No offense or prejudice is meant to any real life hillbillies or any Americans.**

-x-

"Mr. Percival Weasley!" The secretary read out, looking up from her clipboard and surveying the room with a cold expression upon her handsome features.

"That is I," Percy rose to his feet, waving his hand lazily in the air. He straightened out his suit, took a deep breath and strolled forward. The secretary bowed him into the interviewing room, clearly awed by his presence.

"Ah, Percival, isn't it?" said the first interviewer. There were two men sat at a large, wooden, business desk. Both were holding large stacks of paper, clearly looking bored after interviewing people for the same job all day. So far, no one had made much of an impression.

"The name's Weasley. Percival Weasley." Percy told the men firmly. He offered his hand over the desk. The surprised interviewers took it; Percy was the first person to actually contradict them only ten seconds into the interview... but strangely enough, they liked it. Percy didn't wait to be asked to take a seat and he sat down, putting his expensive-looking briefcase on the table.

"So, Percival, tell us- why do you want this job?" The first interviewer asked, leaning forward and peering at Percy over his spectacles.

"Well, I... I believe that I have the right attributes to go far in this career path. Mater and Pater have always supported me in my choices made through life, both financially and emotionally. I've never gone without; if anything you could say that I've had a very rich and fulfil life thus far..." Percy replied.

The interviewers tried to hide their obvious interest in this interviewee, "Go on..."

"My father he works at the Ministry too. You could say that he's very successful in what he does... and devoted and dedicated; traits that personal strongly believe I have inherited. I went to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry where I was not only Prefect but also Head Boy-" Percy continued modestly.

"Really?" One interviewer said, clearly impressed, "Both Prefect AND Head Boy?"

"Naturally. I had to uphold the good name and the prestige of my family. We're very respected in the Wizarding world, you know."

"Good, good. How did you do in your NEWTs?" The other interviewer asked, making a note on his paper.

"I passed with flying colours, of course." Percy said proudly.

"Well... Mr. Weasley, you certainly seem like a good man for the job. HOWEVER, it's common proceedure for the interviewers to visit the abode of any new employees before they are hired, so...?" The interviewer said, trailing off hopefully.

"Ah, why of course!" Percy told them, "Mater does an AMAZING chicken pie!"

"Excellent. We'll be round to tomorrow. We have your address. The Burrow? Sounds intriguing... anyway, goodbye Mr. Weasley," The interviewer said, clearing his throat. The two interviewers shook hands with Percy and then waved him out of the door. They both retook their seats.

"Well, he seems perfect, Algernon," said one interviewer to the other.

"I have to agree, Ernest, and this house, well, it seems like a house that will be very interesting to say. I personally cannot wait until tomorrow."

"Me neither, my friend. Me neither."

-x-

Percy met the job interviewers in Ottery St. Catchpole and then, after polite greetings from Percy and enthusiastic ones from the interviewers, the three of them set off for the Burrow. After a ten-minute walk, they came to a clearing and they began walking towards a down run shack.

"God, I don't think much of the neighbours," whispered Algernon, wrinkling his nose in disgust.

"Ah, yes," Percy said, over-hearing, "The Lovegoods are rather strange fellows but you get used to them."

The interviewers nodded and continued walking. It wasn't until they had reached the trees that they realised that Percy had stopped walking, right outside the shack. "Err... we'd prefer it if you left personal visits until after the interview," Ernest said uncertainly.

Percy sighed in content, "Well, WELCOME! WELCOME TO MY HUMBLE HOME!"

"Humble's one word for it!" Algernon hissed under his breath. Ernest stood; frozen in shock.

"Hmm, I wonder where on earth Mater could have got to? She's usually outside in the mornings, feeding the-" Suddenly there was a loud bang and Algernon let out a yell, dropping to the floor. Ernest screamed in shock. They both looked around to see a redheaded, plump woman running towards them, holding a rifle under her arm. She lifted it to her eye again.

"ERNEST! GET TO THE FLOOR!" Algernon shouted, pulling him down. The woman shot again and again and the two interviewers were forced to roll behind a large rock, screaming and shouting as they went.

"Y'ALL BETTER GET OFF MY PROPERTY! I SEEN YA EYEING UP MY CHICKENS! THOUGHT YOU'D TRY AND TAKE A BITE WHEN I WASN'T LOOKING, EH?" The woman yelled, furious. She shot again and the two men screamed hysterically.

"Mater!" Percival said joyfully, walking towards his mother with his arms outstreched.

"Percy!" Mrs. Weasley greeted, giving Percy an one-armed hug and still pointing the gun at Algernon and Ernest with the other. "Did those chicken fuckers give you that job you wanted? 'Cause if they didn't, I'll send the ole Ghoul round to teach 'em a lesson!" She fired another shot to show she meant it and the plant pot just above Ernest's head smashed. He yelped, scurrying forward to seek refuge behind a bigger rock. "DON'T YOU MOVE ANOTHER MUSCLE! OR I'LL USE YOUR BRAINS AS CHRISTMAS TREE DECORATIONS! They're doing a nativity play down in da village and their Baby Jesus needs a lamb to be with him!" She nodded to Percy, who looked slightly worried.

"Mater, this is the job interviewers..." He gestured towards the cowering Algernon and the whimpering Ernest, "Come on over. Don't be shy. Mater, this is Algernon and Ernest."

"Hi, I'm Molly Weasley. I'm like the plague! Once ya got me, ya can't get rid of me! Me an' ole Betsy here!" She patted the gun, which went off with a bang. A flock of birds flying overheard squawked in protest and flew higher into the sky.

"Don't worry, she's more likely to hug you rather than shoot you! But... she's already shot you, so..." Percy trailed off, as Algernon edged toward Mrs. Weasley, offering his hand out uncertainly for her to shake and keeping his eyes fixed on 'ole Betsy'. He tripped and accidentally stepped into a large puddle of water.

"OI YOU! Y'ALL GET OUT OF MA SWIMMIN' POOL!" Mrs. Weasley screamed, "Y'ALL INFECT IT! FRED, GEORGE, GET OUT HERE! DA SWIMMING POOL NEEDS ALL DISINFECTERING!" Two teenagers sprinted out of the house with their arms linked and wearing dungarees. They were guffawing like idiots and they raced over to the pool, unzipping their trousers, "NAH! NOT THAT WAY! OLE PERCY'S GOT A JOB INTERVIEW! YOU'RE MAKING HIM LOOK BAD!" Mrs. Weasley scolded them, stopping the polishing of her gun and giving the two interviewers the thumbs up.

"I'll fetch the kids, RON! GINNY! BILL! CHARLIE! HERMIONE AND HARRY! Hermione and Harry are really ma kids but I love them like they're ma' own!" Mrs. Weasley shouted for everyone. The boys ran into the yard first. They were barefooted, wearing straw hats and dungarees with patches on their knees and wearing nothing underneath. Ginny and Hermione sauntered out of the house last, wearing red, polka dot dresses with their hair in bunches.

"Mrs. Weasley! We left all the armpit shavings on the table like ya said, so you can start making Percy a new work suit!" Hermione called out to her from across the yard. Algernon and Ernest instinctively took a step away from Percy, eyeing his interview suit with disgust.

"Good thinking, Hermione. You really are the clevererest person that I ever did meet," Mrs. Weasley replied, looking proud of her.

The boys had now begun to dance around with their arms linked in an attempt at country dancing. One boy, however, was not redheaded like the rest of them and Algernon recognized him instantly. Algernon nudged Ernest, "Oh, Merlin! Ernest, look who it is!" Ernest looked over his shoulder at the dancing group.

"HARRY POTTER!" Ernest yelled, suddenly sprinting towards Harry, "Mr. Potter! It's such an honour to finally meet you!" He then continued in a hushed voice, "Can I see the scar?" Harry nodded vigorously and pulled his dungarees down, revealing a large, red scar on his back. Ernest frowned, "I meant... the lightning one?"

"Oh that? That one's boring. But this one I got when we were collecting hay! Ron jabbed me in the back with the pitchfork 'cause he thought that I was a big rat but I wasn't. It hurt a mighty lot, but I won the heart of ma' beautiful lady!" Harry looked over at Ginny, who grinned like a mad woman and waved crazily.

"Hey Harry!" She called, twirling her dress around and walking over to them. She stopped next to Algernon and began twirling her hair, before continuing in a fast voice, "I'm gonna be Mrs. Potter when we're older! Momma says we can move into the pigsty any time we want to. 'Cause we need a bit privacy if we're gonna start our family any time soon." Ginny yelled, giving him a toothy grin.

"How old are you?" Ernest asked, looking surprised.

"I'm not a day younger than 15!" Ginny told him proudly. Ernest's jaw dropped to the floor.

"C'mon, Gin. We best be going, otherwise we won't have time to play Quidditch on the moor before dinner's ready," Harry exclaimed, steering Ginny away from the two interviewers and other to the others.

"Wait!" Mrs. Weasley yelled, "Y'all can take 'em with you! The interview can happen later, I need to go and wring that darn scrawny chickens neck!" She stared at a chicken as it walked past. "THAT ONE RIGHT THERE!" The chicken ran off as if it understood her, she sprinted after it, "Y'ALL GET RIGHT BACK HERE! I GONNA WRING YOU LIKE A BELL!"

"Okay, everybody let's go. Ernest, Algernon; I hope you don't mind us having a little game of Quidditch before we start?" Percy said, addressing the two men politely.

"Of course not. I'm always up for a good game of Quidditch," Algernon said cheerily, looking at Ernest for confirmation. Ernest shrugged his shoulders and nodded. The group set off for the moor and Ginny doubled back to walk with Algernon and Ernest.

"Ma Momma says that when I'm sixteen, I could be the first hillbilly model in England!" Ginny exclaimed, grinning at them. Algernon took a look at Ginnys knotted hair and knocked out teeth and then glanced down at her scabby knees. He smiled painfully.

"She's gonna be Miss World someday," Ron said.

Ernest, not happy with the way their conversation was going, changed the subject, "So… who has the brooms then?"

"We don't use brooms, Ernest," Percy told him, raising his eyebrows.

"We don't have them. Though Harry used to have one but he sold it for a hair scrunch for Ginny," Ron pointed at Ginny and Ernest looked at the snot green scrunchie in her tangled mass of red hair.

"Bet you can't guess what it's made out of," Ginny said.

"Er... Cat hair?" Algernon replied.

"WHAT SORT OF CHEAPSKATE DO YOU THINK I AM!" Harry yelled, making the two men jump, "What I did was I bought a chicken from da village and I killed it with a mallet... first chicken I ever did kill… and then I melted all its feathers together, and then mixed it with some grass to get the green colour."

"Yeah, Harry risked his life for that scrunch," Ginny sighed dreamily, fluttering her eyelashes at Harry, who puffed his chest out loudly.

"I remember that. Momma woke up in the middle of the night and saw Harry cuttin' the grass. She thought it was a gnome and threw a rock at him. We could all hear her yelling, 'Arthur, get the rock! There's a gnome stealing me grass!' She was like a crazy lady!" Ron told a horrified Algernon and Ernest.

"The healers thought I got brain damaged!" Harry declared, grinning. "That were the proudest day of ma' life I ever did see! YEEHAW!"

"Well, what do you use for playing Quidditch then if you don't use broomsticks?" Ernest asked, confused by it all.

"We find big sticks in the forest. The person who finds the biggest one gets to be Captain, unless somebody else wrestles a bear and then he gets to be Captain," Fred and George said.

"But… if you stay on the ground during the game, it's not Quidditch," Algernon told them slowly.

"Well...there was this one time, where there was this great gust of wind and Charlie was thrown off the moor on his stick, and for a few seconds he floated... he floated like baby Jesus' angels!" George explained, smiling happily at the memory.

"I broke all of ma bones!" Charlie added proudly. "Ron was so jealous that he tried to shoot himself with Momma's rifle and he missed and shot Momma's favourite chicken, Clucky. So she hit him with a cauldron and locked him in the shoe cupboard for three weeks without any food. She said if he didn't die then she would shoot him like he shot Clucky!"

"Harry tried to snuck him some food but Momma caught him and she threw him in that cupboard too," Ginny said, "To this day, they swear that there was no oxygen in that darn cupboard for one whole hour!" Everyone looked at Harry and Ron, impressed. Algernon and Ernest just looked bewildered.

"I told them that they couldn't do that," Hermione said, shaking her head. "'Cause when there's no air, there aint no air and you can't hold your breath for that time. But they says that they held their breath. They swore BLIND."

Suddenly Mr. Weasley appeared on top of the hill, gesturing down at them to come up to him. "Y'ALL NEED TO GET BACK INSTEAD THE HOUSE!"

"BUT PAPA! MOMMA SAID THAT WE COULD GO AND PLAY QUIDDITCH WHILE SHE PLUCKED THE CHICKEN!" Ron shouted up to him.

"ALGERNON WAS GONNA BE CAPTAIN!" Fred yelled to his dad, thumping Algernon on the back. Algernon whimpered.

"BUT YOUR MOMMA'S MIGHTY MAD! SHE SAID YOU LEFT ALL THE CHICKEN CRAP ON THE KITCHEN TABLE! SHE WANTS TO KILL Y'ALL!"

"OH GALLOPING GARGOYLES, FRED! YOU SAID YOU'D LEFT IT IN THE BUTTER DISH!" George exclaimed, turning to his brother angrily.

"SHOOTIN HELL! NOW SHE SAW DA CHICKEN CRAP, WHAT WE GONNA GIVE MOMMA FOR CHRISTMAS?" Ginny asked.

"We could give her a duck's head!" Bill suggested.

"Naw, Harry gave her that last year!" Hermione reminded everyone with a roll of her eyes.

-x-

Everyone was sitting at the kitchen table, apart from Mrs. Weasley, who was busy plucking a chicken by a sink. Percy sat down last and placed his suitcase in the middle of the table. Everyone shuffled closer to the table and stared at it in awe. Algernon and Ernest exchanged looks and decided it would be rude not to comment on it.

"Wow Percival, that suitcase looks expensive, how much was it?" Algernon asked, faking interest. Percy looked up from the suitcase and was about to answer but Mrs. Weasley beat him to it.

"Expensive? I had to sell my body for that," Mrs. Weasley told them, slamming the half-plucked chicken down in front of Algernon. Algernon tried not to look at it and instead focused on Mrs. Weasley's angry expression. "The kids had to go for two whole weeks without eatin' and then I found I was pregnant with Ginny. I'd slept with so many peoples, we weren't sure whether she was gonna be ginger or blonde."

"I thought she was gonna be african-caribbean!" Charlie suddenly yelled.

"If that had happened, we woulda made up a story 'bout findin' her on our doorstep in da morning. Or we was gonna kill her." Mr. Weasley explained. Ernest tried not to gasp out loud at this information but force a smile.

Mrs. Weasley nodded. "We were real lucky that that didn't happen, because ol' Betsy was broken and we couldn't shoot the crap out of her round the back of the barn because Mr. Lovegood would have found out and reported us to the Ministry of Magic."

"He's always hated us 'cause we accidentally set his house on fire!" George said earnestly.

"With him inside it!" Ginny added, "he spent weeks in St. Mungos!"

"Algie? Can I call ya Algie?" Mrs. Weasley said suddenly to Algernon.

"Err, I'd prefer it if you didn't-" Algernon began.

"Algie! Ernie! Y'all the guests you need ta pluck the chicken! It's a tradition!" Bill interrupted.

"Actually, Mrs. Weasley, I'm a vegetarian..." Ernest explained. Everyone gasped in horror. Ron fell off of his chair.

"I may eat chicken but eating humans that's just plain wrong!" Mrs. Weasley shouted, furious.

"People eatin' people's like peoplism!" Ginny said in horror.

"I thought it was canadalism!" Hermione exclaimed, "I read it in a book at Hogwarts!"

"Gee, Hermione, you really are da smartest girl I ever did met," Ron said, looking at Hermione in awe. He leant over to Algernon. "Did you hear that, Algie? I'M dating a reading girl!!" Algernon tried to look like Christmas had come early at hearing this news.

"Wow." He said slowly.

"No, no!" Ernest said in a rush, "What I meant is that I don't eat meat."

The gasp this time was even louder. "What do you mean you don't eat meat?!" Fred screeched.

"THAT'S LIKE DOGS NOT HAVING THEIR TAILS!"

"OR LIKE HARRY NOT HAVING HIS SCAR ON HIS BACK!"

"Don't worry, everybody! I know what we'll do! FRED! If he don't eat chicken, we'll go get the cow out the shed! Daisy's all fat and old now! We'll feed her to him instead!" Mrs. Weasley instructed her son.

"NO! I DON'T EAT ANIMALS!" Ernest yelled.

"Then what do you eat?" Ron asked, leaning forward eagerly.

"Vegetables."

"Oh, that green stuff you find in those supermarkets!" Harry said knowledgeably.

"I've seen that! They grow it in tubs!" The twins said together. All the Weasleys oohed.

"Hey, Mrs. Weasley, he can eat the grass out of the yard!" Hermione told her. Everyone nodded.

"No! We can't! Cause Harry used it all up making that scrunchie for Ginny last year!!" Ron shouted.

"OH YEAH! HARRY FOR THAT YOU CAN GET BACK IN THAT CUPBOARD!" Mrs. Weasley bellowed.

"BUT MOMMA! WE CAN NICK SOME OF THE GRASS FROM THE LOVEGOODS GARDEN INSTEAD!" Harry protested.

"WHAT? DO YOU THINK I'M MADE OF MONEY OR SOMETHING?! NO! NOW Y'ALL MADE ME MAD! GET IN THERE! GO ON! ALL OF YA!"

"All of us?" Ron said, "MOMMA, THAT'S NOT FAIR!"

"Go on kids, do as your mother says..." Algernon said timidly in an attempt to not anger Mrs. Weasley anymore.

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT FANCY LAND YOU'RE LIVING IN, ALGIE! CAUSE YOU'RE GOING IN THERE TOO! YOU TOO ERNIE!" Mrs. Weasley yelled at them.

"What?!" The two shouted.

"IN Y'ALL GET! OR I'LL RUN YOU THROUGH WITH MY BREAD KNIFE! OLE BETSY'S RUN OUT OF BULLET!" Mrs. Weasley screamed, grabbing the knife and waving it around in the air like a sword. They all rushed into the cupboard that was already filled with shoes. It was a slight squash, considering the cupboard was built to hold only two at the most. All eleven ran into the cupboard.

"Watch what your pushin'!" Mr. Weasley complained.

"Papa, what you doing in here! I thought you were milking the cows!" Ron asked.

"Your mama got angry. It's safer in here, at least I got y'all for protection. If she finds bullets, you all get shot first!" Mr. Weasley explained joyfully.

There was a scraping noise and Mrs. Weasleys brown eye was seen through a hole in the door, glaring at them. "I found some tranquilizers in Fred and George's room!" she yelled. Everyone turned to glare at the twins. Suddenly her eye vanished and the gun barrel was poking through the door. There was a bang as a dart was fired. Everyone screamed and attempted to move out of the way of the firing line.

"KEEP STILL ALGIE, ERNIE! I WANT YOU LOT TO DIE FIRST FOR ALL THE PEOPLE YOU ATE" She yelled. She shot again and this time she hit Harry. Harry fell over, foaming at the mouth.

"Ahh, Harry's sleeping like baby Jesus," Ginny said, smiling lovingly down at him.

"Oh My God, call a doctor!" Ernest yelled, trying to wake Harry from the fit. He started shaking Harry violently.

"Oh, he's alright! He's just having a fit!" Hermione said with a grin.

"You're so clever, Hermione! Harry, where did you get the shaving foam from, I need to shave my legs!" said Ron, rolling his dungarees up and showing everyone his leg hair.

"Why are you wearing stockings? It's summer," Ernest asked curiously, not sure if he wanted to know the answer..

"These ain't stockings! They're pure ginger leg hair!" Ron replied proudly.

"He won the longest leg hair competition in Ottery St. Catchpole!" Hermione explained, putting her arm around Ron and kissing him.

"That's how Momma got Betsy. Boy, was Mr. Lovegood mad!" Bill said.

Mrs. Weasley opened the door, "I have a deal for y'all. If you wrestle the pig and win ,I let you back inside the house!" Everyone ran out the cupboard and she forced everyone against the wall. "BUT if you loose, I will torch your body and use the fat for fuel! It gets mighty cold in winter, after the Minister took our fire away after we was caught setting fire to Luna Lovegood! After her father found out she was still alive, he nearly shot all our asses off! I still got a chunk missing out of mine. Line up against the wall. In height order." Ernest and Algernon were the tallest. She made them all turn around and face the wall.

"IF YOU FEEL SOMETHING PRODDING YOU THEN THAT'S THE LAST THING YOU'RE EVER GONNA FEEL. THAT'S ME SHOOTI' YOU 5 TIMES IN THE HEAD! IF YOU LIVE, I WILL PUT A STATUE OF YOU IN THE GARDEN TO SCARE OFF THE EVIL SPIRITS- AND THE GNOMES! THOSE DARN TREE FUCKERS!" She stopped talking and pushed Ron towards the door. Everyone rushed outside into the yard, trying to avoid the end of Mrs. Weasleys gun and not trip over the chickens. They walked over to the pigsty and Mrs. Weasley pulled the largest pig forward, ready to fit. She turned around and pointed at Algernon. "ALGIE, GET IN THE MUD!!" Mrs. Weasley screamed.

"No-no, I'm quite alright thanks!" He stuttered. Mrs. Weasley pushed him into the muddy pit. The pig snorted and seemed to be glaring at him and it charged at him at full speed. At that exact moment, Ginny ran out of the house, waving her arms in the air and screaming at the top of her voice. Everyone winced and turned around.

"GINNY! STOP THAT RACKET! CAN'T YOU SEE THAT BACON'S BUSY KILLING ALGIE!" Mrs. Weasley bellowed at her daughter.

"MOMMA!! THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!" She screamed, pointing at the burning house.

"WHAT IN CHICKEN SHITS NAME ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT GINNY?!" Mrs. Weasley screamed, running towards the house, "FRED, GEORGE, GO GET SOME BUCKETS OF WATER!HARRY! HERMIONE, GET SOME WOOD!!!" Ginny sprinted forwards, throwing a chicken on the house, in hope that it would some how stop the fire.

"Momma, I'm throwing chickens on! This way we can have fried chicken with feathers for dinner tonight!" Ginny said proudly.

"NOOO! FLUFFY! GINNY! GET YOUR ASS INTO THAT CUPBOARD, YOU YELLOW BELLIED PIG!!" Mrs. Weasley screamed. Ginny bowed her head in shame and walked back into the burning house.

"NOO! GINNY!" Harry screamed, running after her.

"WAIT! HARRY!" Ron yelled.

"What?" Harry yelled back.

"PUT THIS PAPER COAT ON! IT WILL PROTECT YOU FROM THE FLAMES!" Ron screamed.

"He's right! I read it in a book somewhere!" Hermione agreed.

"Thanks!" Harry shouted, putting the coat on and running into the house.

"LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!" Ernest and Algernon looked at each other, and began to run away from the house as fast as they could, running past Luna and her father, who were standing outside their house watching the Weasleys, as they went.

"Papa?" Luna said.

"Yeah?"

"Maybe we should go help them?" Her father looked thoughtful for a minute, and stared into space.

"Naw...they botched up burning you, they won't manage to burn down the house."

-x-

After letting the house burn, Percy and his father sat on the blackened grass.

"Pater?"

"Yeah, son?"

"I really do think I stand a chance at getting to be the Minister of Magic."

-x-

**Please R&R!**


End file.
